Children of Divorce

Dr. Emilie M. Storch, PhD

The Scripture says that “no man can serve two masters.” Just think of two homes, two methods of discipline, two sets of rules, two worldviews, two celebrations of holidays… This is often the world of children of divorce.

Over six million children are living in divorced families. There is tremendous loss in the lives of these children. One-third will lose contact with one parent. Often, there is loss of their home, school, friends, pets, toys and their security and self-confidence. Fifty percent of today’s children will experience parental divorce by the end of high school. Many children struggle emotionally years later. Most hope continually for reconciliation. One-third of this group of children experience intense bitterness between parents five years later. More than half feel rejection by at least one parent. Children often grow up struggling with fear of commitment.

In divorce, the primary problem lies in the disruption of relationship with parents. The availability of the parent has decreased and the quality of the relationship typically suffers. Children enter a state of crisis once they have realized that their parents are separating or divorcing, and many children are thrown into a state of depression.

DEVELOPMENTAL CONSIDERATIONS

The age of child at time of divorce makes a big difference as the following list demonstrates.

1. Preschool: Yearn for the parent who has moved out of the home and have greater fears of abandonment (need security) a. These children are likely to regress in their most recent developmental achievement. b. Intensified fears, sleep disturbances, fears of abandonment, intense yearning for the departed parent, possible irritability, demandingness and aggression
2. Ages 5-8: More openly sad and self-blaming, fear of being replaced, decline in schoolwork due to worry, can’t believe its permanent
3. Ages 9-12: More angry and resentful, blame one parents, often side with another

Children’s adjustment to divorce is affected primarily by three factors:

1. The parents’ relationships with, and expectations of children
2. A supportive home environment even in midst of divorce
3. The extent to which former spouses are able to cooperate and negotiate solutions to the children’s development

Divorce is almost always more devastating for children than parents because divorce occurs during their formative years. They initially enter a state of crisis and feel out of control. Helplessness is a common experience and they feel like they are "bad." Tremendous loss sets in motion a grief reaction. Fears of losing the remaining parent are common. These children fantasize about how to get their parents back together. Often, they experience physiological problems (headaches, diarrhea, nausea). Children of divorce may cry, be angry or hostile, be embarrassed, withdraw or have bad dreams. Clearly, each child’s reaction is unique and may look very different depending on the child.

HOW TO HELP

The following list offers suggestions in helping the grieving child of divorce.

	Let them know FIRST what will happen to them. They need a sense of physical security.
	Be honest but not graphic about why the break-up is occurring.
	Communicate to them that divorce is a problem between adults. They are not happy with each other. IT IS NOT THE CHILD’S FAULT.
	Tell them, “You are still very loved by both parents.”
	Let them talk about it and express their feelings in art, play, by reading books on divorce and any other way that helps the child not deny their feelings.
	Continue their routine as much as possible.
	Offer access to loved, significant adults, especially extended family members who offer continuity of love and care.
	Love in practical and verbal ways. These children have lost love and need more.
	Try to praise them when possible to help their lowered self-esteem.
	Do not give in to their disobedience because you feel sorry for them. This only makes a spoiled, hurting child.
	Do not allow them to become little adults or fill the spousal role.
	Do not confide in them as a parent.
	Help them cast their troubles, worries and burdens on the Lord in prayer.
	Answer their questions as honestly as possible without blaming one spouse.
	Read books with them on divorce. Remind them that they are not alone, others also go through this, nothing is wrong with them, and that God will help them.
	Pray for and with them, communicating to them faith that their situation is not hopeless.

There are several mistakes that are often made with children of divorce. These include:

	Overindulgence
	Continuing conflict with the ex-spouse
	One spouse attempting to justifying themselves to the children
	Expecting boys to be “little men” and take over adult responsibilities
	Giving them too much responsibility
	Putting down the other parent in their presence
	Having the child carry messages between parents
	Children made to choose who should have their allegiance
	Too little information about the divorce cause their imaginations to think that things are worse than they are in reality
	Neglecting the child because of the parent’s pain

Helping these children to grow through pain is the key to healing. They need lots of love, listening, support and care. Helping them to remember the positive things that they experienced earlier in their lives is one of the best things a caring adult can do for children who have suffered loss.

For children to heal from the wounds of divorce, they must admit to themselves that the split has occurred and that the family is not going to be back together. They must be able to stay out of the parent’s conflict and work at resolving the numerous losses that they have experienced. These children must face their anger and stop blaming themselves. As they do these things, progress can be made in restoring their hope that relationships can have positive potential. Exposing them to healthy marriages can help in this regard.

God can take any circumstance in our lives and use it for good. We must have this vision as we seek to comfort children in crisis. As we teach them to trust God with any problem that they have, we must help them understand the comfort of God. From a young age, these children can tap into the sense that God is with those who call out to Him. As Psalm 147:3 notes, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Further comfort can come from Psalm 56:3, “When I am afraid, I will trust in you.” And as we believe for their restoration, we will be able to encourage their hearts that it will not always be as hard as it is now. Children, who endure suffering and are helped through it, often grow stronger in character than those who have not had to endure emotional or physical pain. May God use us to be His vessels of healing to wounded children.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and God of all comfort---Who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.”